Today was kind of a stressful, useless day. I did very little, and a lot of what I did feels useless. I got my TSA pre-check stuff in, which I guess is fine, but learned that I probably should've gotten Global Entry. I got some scaffolding done on my #fifjam/#strawberryjam2 project done, but then got hung up on details. I spent a good bit of time with mistress, but we both got sidetracked and then grumpy at each other later on.
Mostly, though, I hid from JD and Vicky. JD got super angry at Vicky trying to hang some shelving, so he flipped out, sulked, and decided to cancel his trip, while Vicky locked herself in the room and hung the shelves anyway. She's a bit of a noise elemental, so I've just been sitting in bed with headphones on.
This is really painful, because JD mentioned that he's not feeling good about us as a couple, and I'm a) inclined to agree, b) terrified of what that means, and c) angry at him for this being the outcome when the reason “we never do anything together anymore” is because I'm supporting all of us. Which is unfair, but still.
Things went really well today! It was Imbolc, which meant a rite at Indi's, so JD and Vicky and I all piled over there after work to take part in the ritual and catch up with folks. It looked like JD got crashy at one point, but buni picked up on it almost immediately and tugged him away to talk, which I think really helped him out.
Most of today was caught up pairing with Jenn. Cat called it 'babysitting', which, hey, not wrong. Also, I haven't seen her blush that much in ages. It was...really good. This 'twice a year' thing sucks, and I have to admit it sucks more in this case than it does with Lexy, but maybe that's because Jenn and I's relationship is a) more physical and b) doesn't involve daily calls, as with Lexy. We've yet to set up any sort of Online Dates, like Lexy and I or Robin and I have had.
Productive Hybrid day, too. Copyright filed, cover art inks received, ledger set up, etc. Lorxus reviewed the book and didn't like it, which is fine.
Beneath her coat was a whole identity:
A subtle form of ideas under soft fur,
A constantly shifting mass of meaning...
And somehow, she pulled it off.
She would go for days without shedding a thing,
And then, as if a bottle rolling off a counter,
She would shatter, sending shards of self flying,
And then we'd all see.
Then we'd all see the terror, the joy,
Then we'd all see the grief at nothing,
Then we'd all hear her say,
“I'm not built for a life with death in it.”
And slowly, she'd pick herself back up
And find a brand new way to piece herself together
And build herself a brand new smile
And brush out her coat once more.
While today was better for JD, I was still fairly on edge. I found myself continuously checking in on him, even if not necessarily physically walking over to him. It's a sort of hypervigilance that I'm not fond of, as it means maintaining a high level of energy expenditure throughout the day.
There were a few dips for him, but Vicky seemed to be taking the brunt of those.
The upside being that he no longer wants to move down to CO again, but I fully expect that to change within the next day. He's at least aware of this, joking that today was a “stay day” and that tomorrow might not be.
Sigh.
I'm so tired.
In other news, I got a very good submission that I'm seriously considering, but I'm going to read it all the way through to make sure some of the casual sexism is ironic and not just that. The irony would definitely fit the tone that's already there in the first quarter of the book.
Also doing some ledger setup for Hybrid using hledger, which is fun. I wish I could trust myself to be that on top of budgeting for myself, but I know I'd slip. It'll be enough for Hybrid, at least.
I'm ready to start writing again, but I'm torn between FIFJam and another Sawtooth story. Maybe I'll write a hypno twine, since that'd work with both FIFJam and Strawberry Jam 2, and would pick up on a bit of drivel I have in notes.
After years of thinking about it, I finally got in touch with a speech therapist about feminine voice training. It's been pretty hard trying to do much of any work on my own. I usually blame this on the classical training, but I suspect that there's more behind it than that. Perhaps it has to do with a fear of losing what training I got in school. I'm just not quite sure.
I also spent quite a bit of time today arguing with JD. He's thinking of moving back to CO again, which makes me pretty upset, if I'm honest. This has been going on for so long now that I kinda want to just send him on his way.
The problem here is that he feels that a) we moved too soon or b) he shouldn't have moved in the first place. The fall-out then turns into “Well, I'm going to move back”.
I'm okay with that on the surface, but I worry that our relationship wouldn't survive distance like that. When I'm away from work, we rarely talk and only then via Telegram, despite trying voice.
So I guess I don't have a whole lot of choice other than to wish him well if he does. He's so unhappy out here, sometimes.
That said, neither Vicky nor I are doing terribly well. We had assumed that he would do better out here. Then we had assumed that he would do better on testosterone. Now our hopes lie in psych meds and time.
Other than that, I've just been thinking about writing a lot more. I've been having so much fun and doing so much better with writing being a bigger part of my life. Both Hybrid and my own projects have made me happier than my dayjob has in a long time. You're Gone was well received, and Disappearance got accepted, and I feel like I'm doing alright on that front (to the point where I'm withdrawing into it to get away from stuff).
Looking forward to sprinting again and seeing Jenn.